Another Quote of the Year Nomination

White professor's explanation for why white folks latch on to any new "academic's" arguments against affirmative action: "White people are always hungry for a good racial inferiority theory, they love that shit."

Third World Town

In the days before the Super Bowl, winning T-shirts and caps are printed for both teams. So what happens to the losers' gear? Apparently it's shipped off to a developing country as a charitable donation.

Now I understand why the people of Vietnam are mad serious about repping the Raiders...

Why There Should Be At Least 1 Undergrad in All Law School Classes

The majority of the Team is in a class together here at St. Anford in which undergrads are also allowed to enroll. Like toddlers just learning to speak, these undergrads say the darndest things. Listening to their "persuasive" classroom commentary about how "xyz happened to my uncle so I know it's true," and counting the number of times they say "like" and "you know" can entertain me for an entire class period. We also have to attend a smaller discussion section for the class, which provides my setting for this post.

The course deals with sociological perspectives of law and so as an intro, the professor discussed the 3 fundamental sociolegal theories. My section has only 6 people in it, half of us sane and half of us, well, not, so I knew that any discussion we could have would border on ridiculous. But oh how I underestimated...

In our first in-depth discussion, the T.A. wanted to help us better learn these fundamental theories by applying them to a hypothetical case. We were to discuss how someone who believed each theory would approach a law banning cigarette smoking.

Reasonable Law Student: Well, a custom theorist might say that Americans really value their personal space, so they might be likely to support a ban on smoking because they feel they have the right to breath clean air in their personal space.

Crazy German T.A. Who Gets Confused by American Slang and Pop Culture References: Ok, that's good. What about Californians in particular?

LaTizzle: Californians are known for being pretty health-obsessed, or at least more health-conscious, so a cultural theorist would probably say that Californians would support the ban.

Silly Ass Undergrad Girl: Well, I don't know about that. Me, personally, I'm from the East Coast and I haven't been out here very long so maybe I don't know the whole picture [duh] but from what I've seen, Californians really like smoking marijuana so I don't think they would support a ban on smoking.

LT: You're assuming that Californians--or anyone else for that matter--see marijuana and cigarette smoking as essentially the same activity, which is definitely not the case.

SAUG: Well, they're both smoking, so you're just splitting hairs.

And before I could really go off...

White Undergrad Football Player With a Neck As Big As My Thigh: Wait, wait, I don't get it. Are we like pretending that this bill is in front of Congress and we're like the Senate or something debating whether we should pass it?

CGTAWGCASPCR: No, no, we're just looking at how each sociolegal theory would argue whether or not such a ban would be supported.

WUFPWNABAMY: Oh, ok, so we're pretending that the bill isn't in front of Congress just yet.

LT: There is no bill...

WUFPWNABAMY: Well, I think a conflict theorist would say that the fact that marijuana smoking is illegal is aimed at oppressing black people because the majority of black people I know smoke.

Other Reasonable Grad Student: I don't know about all that. Personally, I'm from upstate New York and the only people that I know that smoke are white.

LT: [thinking what the hell is this guy even talking about and how did it fit into the discussion i thought i was participating in] And as far as California goes, nearly every grower in the central valley is white, the whole stoner image stems from crazy white hippies smoking in Berkeley back in the day, and just believe me, what you're saying is not the case.

WUFPWNABAMY: Well...maybe I just kick it with more black people than all of you.

Don't be too hard on the guy, I heard that by being "the authority on black culture" in that room of 6 he was able to earn enough black coolness points to graduate to off-white.

Let's Get to the Real Issue

The sports news media has been buzzing since this past weekend after the AFC and NFC Championship Games revealed that Tony Dungy's Indianapolis Colts and Lovie Smith's Chicago Bears would be meeting in Miami for Superbowl XLI. For those of you who live under rocks, the meeting of these two giants is important because it marks the first time in the history of the NFL that a black coach has coached in the Superbowl (let alone two coaching against each other).

Still, I think we're missing the more important issue here: WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN YOU, ART SHELL?!

RAIDERS IN '08!

A (Deductible) Loss of Mystique

Professor Tax is a short, wily Jew of a thing with a mess of curly hair and the New York accent to match. I took his Intro Tax class last semester and loved it so much that I signed up for a specialty tax course this semester -- arguably the least useful of the tax courses -- just because he was teaching it. It's really all about him. I mean, I'm doing the reading and hanging tough right now, but I am pretty much right on the cusp of not knowing what the F is going on.

Last semester he won me over with his tangential war stories and self-deprecating humor. But this semester, in our class of only six students, we've seen a Professor Tax of a more personal nature. One class opened with a story about a famous professor at another law school who was notorious for dating his students. Professor Tax marveled at his colleague's ability to attract so many pretty young things. "I don't know how to say this, but it's just never been an issue for me."

I wasn't sure if that was a laughable punchline. This new Professor Tax is conjuring the same feelings of uneasy confusion as Tom Hanks did when he stopped doing comedy roles and went "Philadelphia" on us. (Ok, maybe no one remembers Tom Hanks as funny-man. Different analogy: this is like Ice Cube going from "Friday" to "Law & Order SVU." Ok, wait, that's Ice-T. Think "Schindler's List" starring Chris Tucker.)

My point is, last semester I was a Professor Tax groupie -- laughing, clapping, adoring from the back row of a filled lecture hall. This semester, I'm...like dating the drummer. He knows who I am. He looks at me when he recites from the tax code. He notices when my eyes register confusion. He uses my name in balance sheet examples hastily drawn on the whiteboard. He tells me borderline pitiable stories.

As much as I was delighted to move into his "inner circle" (that elite group of tax nerds to whom he tells his vulnerable-side tales), the change had somewhat diminished my fascination with him.

But yesterday he renewed my faith in the Professor Tax mystique. Class was about to start and I was settling into my seat. I was wearing my satin Ecko Red baseball jacket -- yes, the one that I was so excited to get last year but that got no love from the law school (outside of the MINORITEAM! set). Professor Tax didn't even say hello. He took one look at me and said, "I realllly like that jacket!" Wow. Professor Tax is down with the urban threads! Who knew. I have so much more to learn this semester.

Race-Related Movie Themes I Hate

Black Magic is my opposite-race-gender-sexual-orientation soul mate. While he was out wretching at "Stomp the Yard," I was busy working on this very post. And so I present, my top 4 most hated race-related movie themes:


4. "Black Character Puts Some 'Flava' Into White Family" and other movies with too many "you-go-girlfriend" and "it's-my-birthday" lines by white characters. See Bringing Down the House. Yes, in Hollywood, African-American culture essentially boils down to dancing, walking cool, mackin on the opposite sex, and playing sports. Sadly, I must admit that I actually liked one movie that fell into this category: Houseguest with my boy Sinbad. Still, Sinbad taught the daughter how to deal with guys, taught the son how to play basketball, and there was some crazy scene where he taught a whole party of white folks to dance to "Brickhouse." I was feelin the movie, but that Cameo classic has been ruined for me ever since. I think the next time one of these movies comes out, I'm gonna go to the theater in the Town where they actually shoot at the screen (no, really). I'll just claim extreme emotional distress in my defense for my reaction if I see one more rhythmically-challenged, lacking-bass-in-the-voice, "raise the roof" or other 8-years-old-but-just-now-catching-on-for-middle-aged-white-people hip hop reference.


3. "Hip Hop Saves the World." See Save the Last Dance, Step it Up. Ask any member of the Team and they'll tell you that LaTowna is a music fanatic--I'm a loyal hip hop head and I love my old school. Still, even I know that hip hop can't save the world (at least since Pac died!). Coming in at #3 on my count-way-down are movies where the white girl has "someone from the streets" teach her about hip hop dance and music and then she wins something of some sort. Personally, I'd rather watch a "Darrin's Dance Grooves" infomercial for 2 hours straight than sit through one of these tokenized (see above) type movies.

2. "Caring White Woman Saves Minorities from Themselves." See Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers. If there wasn't a person already so deserving of #1 on the list, this theme would definitely win. I didn't have to see Freedom Writers to predict how it would go: minorities are killing each other, not caring about school, and come from shitty families, but wait!, here comes the white teacher who's on a mission to save the ghetto one brown face at a time, she wins them over with candy bars, shows she "gets" them, is there for them when one of the students dies, and the whole class is happy that finally someone "cares" about them. I don't know what's worse about this theme, the stereotyping and utter inaccuracy with which inner city schools and students are portrayed, or that a similar-themed movie with a minority teacher hasn't been made since the 80s (See Lean on Me and Stand and Deliver).

1. And topping the list with more than double the amount of hate of even the #2 most hated theme: Anything by Mel Gibson relating to minorities. Passion of the Christ included! See also Apocalypto. I think it's pretty obvious that this fool has lost any claim to legitimacy about anything race-related. The real-life drunken anti-Semitic comments were bad enough, and let's be honest, you don't "accidentally" say things that you "really don't mean" when you're drunk, you say shit that you probably wouldn't have the balls to say sober. When you "really feel for" Michael Richards, it's just icing on the vanilla cake.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that any and all movies falling under these themes are automatically bad (I did say I liked Houseguest). If you're a Hollywood producer or writer, just don't use every damn cliche in the book when you're making a race-themed movie. Inspirational teachers of color exist, black culture is more than how to dress and walk, and hip hop can't always save "the world" (read: every white girl that can't dance).

And In Entertainment News...

MC Serch, host of VH1's new "White Rapper Show," says he's proud of his son, who recently won his 1L LRW Moot Court Competition

Guess This Law Student's Race

Today I saw a student rollerblading in the library (!!) He didn't seem to think anything was wrong with it, skated around to a few tables and talked to folks, and then bounced.

Can you guess his race??

Overheard in the Classroom - Part 1

I think it's pretty obvious that LaTowna is in favor of, say, affirmative action and antidiscrimination laws. Still, I can also appreciate healthy debate and don't personally hate opponents of either affirmative action or antidiscrimination laws. What I do hate, however, is when opponents' rationale for abolishing either is that "racism no longer exists." For people that believe that, we give you the "Overheard in the Classroom" series of actual comments from classroom discussion here at our very own St. Anford Law School.

The first comment that made the series:

"There are 2 types of Mexicans: the 'Gucci' Mexicans and then the real 'regular' Mexicans that we're actually used to dealing with."

Hot pick-up lines

Overheard on the campus of St. Anford: a white boy running mad game on some breezy.

Actual transcript:

White boy: I know sooo much math, it's not even funny.
White girl: Let's go back to your place.

Quote of the Year Nomination

I was having some drinks with Nigeri-Negro and some Token White Folks That Are Surprisingly Cool the other weekend. We had driven from St. Anford to my hometown about 45 minutes away and, as the night wore on, it became evident that I had had too much tequila and Nigeri-Negro had had too much cognac. Our friends offered their couches but since I was the one who had driven, it was ultimately my call. Being the libra that I am, I was totally indecisive. Nigeri-Negro, being the entreprenig that he is, declared that he had come up with the solution:

"LaTowna, you just drive until we get pulled over--then I've got it from there."

I don’t know what troubles me more: the fact that the ad hoc “plan” included us getting pulled over, or the fact that we probably would have gotten pulled over anyways (it was OPD after all). You know, I think it’s even more distressing that the plan would have caused us to fulfill a racist joke—the one that goes, when does a white guy serve as a chauffer for a black and a latino? When he’s a cop and they’re in the back seat.

You’ll be happy to know that we chose the couches—or rather, passed out before we could make a conscious choice.

New Rules for a New Year

so we're late with keepin up on our posts, did you expect anything less from the team?

well, latowna is bizack, bringin a little color to your 2L year. here's my 10 new rules for the new year:

1. people who ask questions after class has already ended should be shot.
2. republican minorities who are against affirmative action are not allowed to apply for diversity fellowships.
3. anyone who speaks with or enjoys british accents in class is no longer allowed to complain that mexican immigrants who participate in anti-immigration protests and rallies need to become more american if they want to be citizens.
4. if your advice to kids in the street law program is “just don’t break the law, it can’t be that hard to stay out of trouble,” don’t do the street law program.
5. don’t hate on students of color or women who are part of organizations promoting their ethnicity/gender and/or who receive special handling by firms because of it. you are part of an organization that supports your ethnicity/gender too—it’s called america. and you always receive special handling there.
6. when you’re talking about jim crow or immigration, don’t look out of the corner of your eyes at the black or latino student in the classroom. it’s not like we can’t tell fools are waiting for a token angry minority response. plus, ya’ll know we don’t vote, so why would we contribute to classroom discussion?
7. the student of color in your class that happens to be from an “inner-city” near your school does not necessarily know where to get weed. but, in all honesty, probably he does. and it’s probably from some crazy white boy he knows from college or high school.
8. conservatives, please recognize we don’t hate your for your viewpoints or the fact that you express them, we hate you for the smug, self-entitled, ignorant ass way you go about it.
9. don’t have a full-volume cell phone conversation in the library, even if the call is for a job opportunity. it’s not about following rules, it’s about home training. and if you need to ask what home training means, you don’t have any.
10. to firm recruiters: if you brag to me about your firm’s diversity, and i don’t meet a single person of color on my callback interview, you’re no longer allowed to brag about your firm’s diversity.

Conversation with White Partner

We join our heroine five minutes into a painful meal-time conversation with 37-year-old White Law Firm Partner.

Partner [frustrated, close to giving up on the conversation]: So......movies! Have you seen any good movies lately?

Dominikimchee: Yeah! I saw "ATL" recently -- it was really good.

Partner: "ATL"? I haven't heard of that one. What's it about?

Dominikimchee: It's about a group of teenage friends growing up in Atlanta.

Partner: Ohhhh! "A-T-L" -- you mean the airport!

Dominikimchee: uh........yes...yes, they were coming of age at the airport.

I'm super-feeling lunchtime

Tuesday lunch
Dining with fellow summer associates. One makes a comment with which I agree. I say, "I feel you, I feel you." He stares back at me, very offended.

Wednesday lunch
Dining with fourth year associate Brittany.* She is "super-stoked" for her friend's wedding this weekend, which is why she had a chemical peel yesterday (which explains why homegirl's face was peeling off into her lunch). She mentions the Mission, a Latino neighborhood, and calls it "super-sketch." I stare back at her, super offended.

*Name has been changed, but trust me, the real name was on the same order of whiteness.

Dominikimchee's first day of work

8:45 a.m.: Arrive at Heaven Ehrmman LLP.*
9:00: Gourmet breakfast.
10:00: Sit down in conference room with 30 fellow summer associates to fill out HR forms.**
11:45-2:30: Lunch ($500 for eight people).
2:30-3:30: How to use a phone.
3:30-5:00: Earthquake preparedness.
5:01: Two fingers.
5:02: Calculated how much money I had just earned.***

* Firm name has been thinly veiled.

** 10:01 a.m.: Minority headcount...handful of Asians, couple of undercover Latin folks, ZERO on the Negro.

*** 5:03: Per hour.

UPDATE: More on the Apparent Disconnect Between the Legal Profession and Low-Income Urban Housing

actual transcript from latowna's first day at work:

associate: so where are you originally from?
latowna: oh i grew up in oakland.
a: oh ... (looks impressively surprised) wowwww... so where did you go to college?
lt: in los angeles, i guess i'm a true california girl.
a: ohmigod really?! i'm from socal! where did you live?
lt: in palms.
a: oh. ... (looks confused) wait.. did you ever live in a housing, errr, development?
lt: ??!!!! (tries hard not to say something to become that woman of color on the first day)

Treat yo mama right

especially on Mother's Day.

My ethnicity was once featured on an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries"

Actual transcript of conversation at Starbucks:

Dominikimchee: Hi, could I please get a tall decaf caramel macchiato?

Black guy behind counter: What are you? African-American?

Dominikimchee: .........?

Nigeri-Thizz

The Hyphy Movement Spreads!

Hating on a Birthday Negro

After a $400 dinner, Buca di Beppo can't even get a black man a slice of birthday cake to go with his candles. (Click on the image for full size.)

BREAKING NEWS: American People Turning Into Ostriches

Partial transcript from CNN's "Reliable Sources" (4/23/06) on a discussion about the media's lack of coverage on the genocide going on in Darfur, Sudan:

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/23/rs.01.html
KRISTOF: You know, I must say that newspapers and magazines I think have done a better job in covering this. The people who have really dropped the ball, frankly is television.

KURTZ: And on that point, could that possibly be because the story is kind of depressing? You know, many -- in fact, tens of thousands of people dying and that it's considered a ratings loser?

KRISTOF: I'm sure that's it. But, you know, if we in the media are going to ask for various kinds of special privileges, you know, as we do, then I think we also have to show some kind of special responsibility. And when the "CBS Evening News" last year over the course of the entire year spends two minutes covering genocide while the broadcast networks are averaging 28 minutes covering the Michael Jackson trial, then there is something profoundly wrong.


despite the fact that the michael jackson trial WAS "kind of depressing" in itself, have we really gotten to the point where we're willing to ignore "tens of thousands of people dying" because it's a "ratings loser"?!

disgusting.

Racial Stereotypes in the Supermarket